God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life is really strange sometimes.

And it seems like it always leads you in circles (at least to me).

For once,

things are going great.

Some people just come into your life and shake everything up. A new year's eve party, a country-ish :) dinner, and a dog. Oh, and you.

Thank you for that.

Yep. I realized today that I uh. I don't believe in love.

Work it out, smile and pretend. Maybe I just don't believe in it for me.

Good luck out there.

I'm growing a beard
I'm shaving my head
You're leaving me seared
You're thinking I'm dead.

You twisted and pulled
I left to ferment
I'm alone and still fooled
You pushed and I bent.

The sum of it all




is that although it hurts

at the very least you know you're still alive.

It's better than being numb, although numb seems to be the way to go lately. And this is written about no one and to no one in particular.

Seriously.

Instead of posting anything cryptic, I'll just say flat-out that I have left the world of mortals.

He's with Rose.

I still want to know.

Everything has been turned around. This month of July is going to be the worst.

what hurts the most

There was a moral to that last entry, in case you missed it.

And in the end, I can only blame myself.

I went to the store because I had to return this camera or phone I bought. I don't really remember which one it was. The lady ahead of me definitely got denied by customer service because she was trying to return something she had broken herself. It was totally blatant; everyone knew it. Duh.

As soon as she gave up, it was my turn in line. Or maybe I went to the other return desk. It doesn't really matter. I got up to the desk, and told them my problem with the thing I had bought. I remembered I sounded a lot more clear than I normally do; I sounded very sure of myself and articulated well. Normally, I don't talk like that. I stutter and babble and basically "talk to talk." This was to the point.

The guy gave me a $550 store credit for a phone/camera that cost me $250. He knew what he was doing, it's not like he had made a mistake... he said something about me having to deal with the hassle of a defective purchase and blah-de-blah. Anyway, instead of telling him I refused that much of a credit, I took it.

When I tried to cash in my credit I got in major trouble. Basically, they cut down the $550 credit to the $250 I deserved, and I had to return the other items I had bought with the extra $300. I acted really greedy, so I deserved to be reprimanded. At the same time, however, it wasn't like I had really asked for it.

But I guess if I had been awake I wouldn't have taken the extra $300.

Now I remember why I stopped remembering my dreams.

Remind me the next time, so I remember again.

If you make me a king, I'm going to take it. And I'm going to think I'm pretty damn important. The worst part about it all is that everything is relative.

She told me once that the best part of her day was hearing from me. It was either mutual, or the best part of my day was hearing from you.



Come on, luck. Help me out. (please)

Well, this is pretty much the end of the line. If you have any cards left to play, now's the time to show a hand.

Or an arm. Anything. If you're armed to the teeth with everything you got, at least you know you've gone down swinging. Strength and trust, loyalty and empathy are hard to find.

Circle 4

Square 7

Triangle 0


You asked me once and I told you the truth. You asked me again, much later,

and ...

I lied to you.

This isn't to anyone in particular, but it might be to everyone. The answer's been clear for quite some time now.

Own it, live it, know it. And try like hell to remember it.






Otherwise, I think she's going to drown.

Wow, I can honestly say I've never needed a birthday as bad as the one today. Recently I went through a terrible stretch where I was bitter and angry at just about everyone and everything.

I think this (the well-wishes, my amazing friends, the good feeling about being one year closer to death, the free meals) is gonna finally get me out of that rut. Here's hoping.

Fingers are officially crossed.

I am SO SICK of finishing in second place.

And I'm happy for everyone, I really am. It's just starting to take its toll on me... and make me wonder:

When is it my turn?

"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce

About a year ago, I found out that I was accepted into an exclusive 40-person program at UCF. Basically, I was guaranteed an MBA within a year... as long as I passed the classes and stayed alive. Currently, I'm in my six month in the program. I've made some really good friends and learned a lot about business. My internship, which is paid and takes the place of a class this semester, brings different challenges each day. I work at an electrical contractor in Altamonte Springs and constantly deal with credit departments, vendors, our employees and my boss.

I went to a party on Saturday night. It was nice to see my ex-girlfriend and to see how happy she is now. There were some people I remembered and some I had forgotten. One of the biggest realizations of the night was that I'm becoming incredibly socially awkward. I don't know when I became so serious or such a downer. Four years ago, I was vibrant and enthusiastic - some might even say the life of the party.

Importance is a funny thing. For the last four years, I've been the most important person in someone's life. Outside of my family and close friends. I felt like I was the shit. Making friends was easy, school was endurable, I managed my money well - and I was happy. Found people who took me for some pretty wild rollercoasters and then realized it wasn't going to work out.

I spent all of my junior year just not dating anyone. Realizing I needed to be more comfortable with myself, in my own skin. I think this was the best year of my life. I was a team leader for the honors college, a good role model for the incoming freshmen and a solid friend. I got all A's that year but I still made time for people who I cared about. That whole year I tried moving on from something that I had given too much importance to. And I felt like I had accomplished that.

You could say that I was right, but you'd be wrong.

I wish I could at least pretend you were nice to me.

Merry Christmas, Livejournal... and friends. :)